Borderline personality disorder is weekly therapy sessions, twice daily medications, and a stigma so bad therapists refuse to see them. It is overwhelming emotions that leave you physically depleted. It is knowing that you can’t trust your feelings because they are misleading and exaggerated. It is not speaking up about what you are feeling for fear of being called dramatic or crazy until it explodes out. It is watching yourself sabotage your hard work with one bad decision. It is being so impulsive that you can’t keep a job or save any money. It is feeling so unattractive and unlovable that you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror. It is losing friends because they can’t handle you. It is putting up walls so think that a bomb couldn’t break it down. It is hell on East.
Life with BPD can be daunting and euphoric at the same time. When I am in a manic state of mind, nothing can stop me or get me down. I am literally unstoppable. I use these times to be productive and make what needs to happen, happen. It can last from hours to weeks. But it never lasts for too long. Something in me pops and self-destruct has been activated. My next moves will destroy everything in its path. While I sit in the background disassociating and not able to move. It will happen suddenly, without warning, triggered by something minute. The emotions start to erupt out with a fury only Dante Inferno could understand.
I am ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. I am shattered again knowing that this will never change. I will always have the possibility of having an outburst that leaves spectators speechless. Leaving myself in pieces on the floor
Even though these episodes don’t happen as often as the used to, it feels like I am starting at ground zero again. It feels like all the hard work in therapy was for nothing. But there are several reasons why Borders may stumble along the road to mindfulness. Self-evaluation is important to unlocking the reasons behind the episodes. For me, I find it difficult to share my feelings because I don’t want to burden anyone with the knowledge. I’ll keep my emotions bottled up as best I can, which leads to disproportionate outburst.
So, in evaluating myself and my most recent hiccup, I need to be honest with myself about how I feel, however irrational it may be. Because only in addressing the issue head on can we move past it.